I mowed.

That sounds like such a simple statement, doesn’t it? I can hear others mumbling under their breath, “Well, aren’t you the big girl?” or “What’s the big deal? I do it every week.” Until I mowed this weekend, I thought it was just a chore too.

Anyone who knows me understands how much I enjoy mowing. I love having the instant gratification of clean lines and a finished product. Even more than that, I thoroughly enjoy time alone with music in my ears, and prayers on my heart. It’s an extension of my prayer time and God always meets me on my mower.

When I made the first round in the yard, memories of last summer filled my thoughts. I didn’t get my special alone time on the mower. My physical, emotional, and mental health were all too low. Some days I was so foggy I couldn’t even process simple questions from my kids or basic, daily stressors that I normally juggled easily. Life was filled with doctor visits, tests, and fear of the unknown.

Thankfully my family stepped up and mowed for me—which opened my eyes to other issues. Control issues. They didn’t do it right. Sometimes they missed spots. Then they scalped areas. But I couldn’t do anything about it and had to let them take the lead. And ultimately learn to let go of all the control I tried to hold onto—in more area than one.

As I rounded the last bend on the trail, it almost felt like the light came on. I called the darkness of last summer by name—depression. And I set personal goals for this mowing season to keep me from heading back to that anxiety-riddled, broken place of burnout and exhaustion. Mentally, I practiced adding rest into each day and made my list of reflective questions to keep myself in check during this season.

My physical body is still not happy, but I’m learning how to pace my life a bit better. Humility is a huge piece of the puzzle which requires that I ask for help instead of barreling through. Daily reminders from God that he has purpose in all this struggle is what will keep me focused and pointed in the right direction.

So, yes. I mowed. And it felt good to connect with myself and God. And it also felt good to reflect. To remember. Set new goals. And clear a new path.