As my due date gets closer and closer, I have such a vast array of thoughts. It seems as though everything is moving at a rapid pace, but yet, it’s all standing still. I’m in this constant state of waiting and anticipating, hurrying and not knowing, planning and wondering. Life seems so cloudy one minute and completely clear the next. So many decisions, but not really a direction. My brain is full, but then I can’t remember anything.
I think of all of projects I still want to finish. I’m making headway, but there’s still much to do. I guess subconsciously I’ve played the “out of sight, out of mind” game with the kids’ room because it is NO WHERE CLOSE to being ready. It’s simple organizational stuff that I need to do, but mentally I’m not ready to embrace the fact that in less than 4 weeks we will have a baby in the house! Physically, my body is ready to get this little booger out; but mentally I just can’t wrap my brain around what it will be like to have 2 kids, and one of those a baby!
After I stop having a panic attack about all the stuff yet to do, my brain jumps to the fact that I will likely not be getting much sleep once the baby comes. I remind myself that these are precious times and that he will be grown before I know it and that usually helps me keep calm.
Then I jump over to the fact that Carter will be starting Pre-K. Not only will he be starting, but only 11 days after the baby is born! He is so stinking excited about going to school! David wonders if there are any of his genetics in him at all! He is definitely taking after me on this one. But even still, all the fears and worries that every good parent has about sending their kid to school are running through my head. I’m so excited that he’s excited, but it’s scary to realize that he will be away from our care and control.
Then I think about all of the stories I’ve heard about older siblings regressing and the jealousy and the acting out. I won’t know how Carter will respond until baby comes, but I just pray that God will help him to be a great big brother. Carter kisses my belly everyday and hugs little baby. He tells him he loves him and can’t wait to meet him. He tells me he wants to hold him, rock him, and hug him. I just hope when that streak of jealousy rises up that he will fight it and act out of the love and sweetness he has already shown.
I worry about going back to work in the fall. Thankfully I will have classes in the evenings and online so I can be at home during the day, but I guess I just don’t know what it will all look like. Change is hard for me. I thrive off of structure and routine(so I’ve come to learn). I guess I’m just in The Waiting Place, Like Dr. Seuss wrote about in “Oh the Places You’ll Go!”.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come,
or a plane to go or the mail to come,
or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting
We all come to places like this on our journey through life. Waiting is inevitable. And then all of a sudden the waiting stops and whatever it is that has been the hold up finally happens. We move forward with life and then years later we look back and wish we could go back, slow things down, and even get a redo. Such irony in this place of waiting. But even still it’s where I reside at the moment. The Waiting Place. Just Waiting.