This week has been one that has stretched me in a lot of ways. I know God has given me the gift of teaching, but because of insecurity, often I find myself doubting and questioning whether or not I’m qualified to teach. I am fairly comfortable teaching education classes and preparing future teachers, but when it comes to leading and teaching spiritually, I’ve really been struggling lately.
Here’s where I’m at. God has changed my life. He has pulled me out of the muck that was once my life and He’s given me His grace to hold me up. He has freed me from addictions, self-made traps, and sins too many to count. He has been the lifeline that has kept me from drowning in a sea of self-indulgence. He has taught me how to walk in freedom instead of slavery. I owe Him my life. Without Him, my life was empty. Dark. Lonely. Confusing. And sad. Because of Him, my whole world has changed. So why do I struggle to teach about the One who makes my life worth living?
I found an old journal entry I wrote back in October of 2010 that helped bring everything back into perspective. I’ve been living defeated. I’m not living like I’m free. I’ve got to stop hiding and be willing to step forward. You’ve made me new, God. I’ve got to stop fearing the old. It’s almost like You’re saying to me: “You have trusted Me. I’m growing you. You’re ready, just step out. But when you step out don’t forget that seeking Me is the key. You will never experience the deep and rich blessings I have in store if you stop seeking Me. Yes, you will be free, but you won’t be partaking of the abundant life.” God, intentionally I must seek you. On purpose, with all that I have, I must offer myself to you daily. I can’t live in a land of excuses or regrets or second guessing. I have to be wholly Yours. I cannot have a divided heart. My pride and self must be bowed low, humbly each morning, at Your feet. My heart must be given over every day. I have to get out of the way and let You guide and lead me.
In the midst of my insecurity this week, when I was telling God how under-qualified I was, I’m so thankful He directed me back to this journal entry. I have to be willing to step out in the directions where He is leading, even if I’m scared or insecure. I have to surrender and trust that He will use who He chooses-even me. I must be wholly His, especially when I’m feeling wholly inferior.
Oh, God, may I not forget that You know more than me and that I must trust You with every insecure thought. When You send us to new and scary tasks, You never send us alone-You always show up and do the work. Praise your Name!