Yesterday afternoon I spent some time reading through a journal of mine from 3 years ago. 2009 was the year that God really got my attention. My whole world hit the ground and broke to pieces; God had to rebuild everything from the ground up. Truths that I had built my whole world around were actually lies. It was earth shattering. It was one of those seasons when I never imagined I’d get through the brokeness. So much of my journaling was me crying out to God for help, for Him to just get me through one more long night. I wrote countless prayers for power to overcome, for the power to beat the hold of sin in my life. I begged him for the strength to even get up off the floor to stand. You ever have a season like that? You may not have been dealing with a sin issue, but maybe it was something that broke you to pieces. We’ve all had something.
As I read my journal yesterday, I saw my heart poured out on paper. I read my prayers and my heart filled up inside my chest. Tears rolled down my face as a huge smile stetched from ear to ear. He actually heard me! Everyone of the prayers I read, yesterday, have been answered! In the middle of the hurt all I knew to do was cry out for help, and now on the other side I can see that He was faithful and heard my heart! I wanted to share one of my prayers from that season three and half years ago. I also want to encourage you. If you are broken and crying out to God, He does hear you. He may not answer you today or tomorrow, but keep remaining faithful. He does hear you.
I fall on my face, Lord, tears pour like water.
I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you,
I’m so sorry I have made myself separate from you for so long.
God, I don’t know how to fix this one. I’ve tried.
My sin, my sins are eating me away.
I’m not supposed to struggle.
I’m saved and been set free!
Why do I feel so burdened? So lost? So deep in despair?
God I know your truths, I know who you say you are
And who others know you as.
But God, I’ve got to know your grace.
Your mercy. Your insurmountable joy.
I’ve got to feel my sin, to know how vile I am, how dirty I’ve become.
If I never know I’m dirty, I’ll never know I’m clean.
Teach me, guide me, show me, lead me, make me holy.
Turn this crude excuse for existence into
the treasure you designed me to be.
And even though I’m dirty, you lead me to the light.
You trade my darkest night and fill me up with you.
Hold me as I weep; hold me as I kneel.
Hold me as I can’t bear to stand before you.
I don’t deserve this love you give,
Bathe me in your mercy.