I don’t have a cute story or analogy to write about today. Usually by this time in the week inspiration has hit me, but I’m struggling at the moment. There are some days that are harder than others. No particular reason that I can put my finger on; just heavy from the many irons in the fire, the general busyness of life, and the emotions I often push aside so I can just make it through the day.
The quiet darkness of the vacant church sanctuary seemed to beckon to me this morning, so I left my phone in another room and locked the door behind me. There’s a freedom in being completely alone, knowing no one will interrupt. Tears immediately fell down my cheeks. No reason to be strong. No reason to hold it together. No reason to push through the emotions. I sat there and poured out my concerns to God from the previous week and fears about the week to come. I thought at some point this adult thing would get easier, that I would feel for competent and sure, but I still have so many doubts. So many questions. So many insecurities.
Oh, I can hold it together in a crowd and I can lead with the best of them. But most of the time I do it scared. I step out in faith with shaky feet. I organize and coordinate with unsure hands. I offer others advice that I struggle to walk out. And inside I wonder why God would ever use me.
But I’m grateful that He does. I’m grateful I can come to Him when I’m broken, insecure and uncertain. Grateful that the fate of everything I do doesn’t depend on whether I’m confident, but rather if I’m obedient. So, I got on my knees in the sanctuary this morning and offered my scared, unworthy self. I don’t know how to navigate the road ahead. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t even know what the next five minutes will look like.
And that’s okay. Some days are like that. Some days we feel extra weak, extra tired, and extra weary. But that doesn’t mean we are disqualified. It just means that we still step out in faith, even if our legs are unsteady. We still offer our lives in service, even if boldness is the last thing we feel. We still say yes, even when we doubt and wonder why. Even when blinded by emotions. Even when we can’t see through the insecurity. Even when we are broken.
Take some time alone this week. Deal with those heavy emotions and struggles that rarely make it to the surface. Let yourself be weak. Then wipe your face, put on your “big girl britches” and step out in faith; shaky legs and all. It doesn’t matter if you do it scared, just as long as you do it.